Silent Rage

Here I am, sitting on my desk at 3:00 AM in the morning with nobody in the office but me. Everyone is back home and I am all alone in the entire building. I did finish my work but I am not feeling like I should go back home. Writing this down with a doubt if I will post it when I’m done babbling and mumbling, moist eyes starting to kick in and silence remains the king.

Nothing can be heard other than the fan of the air condition, nothing can be seen other than empty seats and unoccupied desks, nothing can be felt other than numbness in my heart.

Seriously I need an epilogue to this. I have been like this for two years and counting, two years with no one to release this from me, two years with absolutely nobody to pick me up from hell, two years of being banished from the whole world and being forced to live with no companion and no hope.

Why would someone let someone love them so badly in a way they can’t continue their lives without them and they surrender when a bloody fight is needed to shield their attachment? I mean, seriously! Why would someone let it take place if they know they wouldn’t fight for it when a fight is needed?

Does that thing called eternal love exist? Would someone ever fight for me and rather death than living away from me? Am I that horrible person who deserves to be left and abandoned for any particular reason? I am always there when I see a good material in a person, I make everyone laugh and I always wipe tears whenever I find them. Why do I live a moment like this one? Why am I all alone after investing all what my heart could with someone who abandoned me at last. What did I do? When did I slack? When did I turn anyone down? Was I ever late on purpose? Did I ever break a promise?

The scene has slightly changed. Now the moist eyes are turning to heavy showers and I cannot control anything. I can’t even organize what I’m writing and I can’t sort ideas. I’m just writing so that I release what’s in me. It is pathetic that I release my rage on the keyboard to a virtual world when I invest in real life and only twitter and the blog embrace me after all.

I can’t take this life anymore. I just can’t. I can’t understand anything and I can’t move forward. I can’t and I do need help. I don’t need a psychiatrist to give me a pill nor a miracle to happen. Even if Cupcake was back I wouldn’t take her back. Not because I stopped loving her but because the damage is so enormous to be healed by a Cupcake.

I’m an option to everyone when I set people as a lifetime priority! I put my close ones above everything and everyone else yet I find myself abandoned in the end. I feel like I want to break my rib cage, get my heart out of it and squeeze it to drop every single tiny bit of love I have for Cupcake who left me in this world all alone by myself. I wouldn’t mind dying then because it wouldn’t make any difference as I’m already dead.

Oh now two office boys came in to clean the desks and saw me and my mess. One of them is asking me if I’m alright and brought me a glass of water. What do I do now? Where do I go? Even the office at 3:00 AM is not comfortable and my bedroom of course is not. I have changed all my clothes to untie any memory but I can’t afford changing the place I’m living in!

The funny thing is that an office boy brought me a glass of water and asked me if I am alright. A person who I did everything and I mean EVERYTHING to please left me to an unknown void. Wasn’t that glass of water supposed to be brought by someone else other than the office boy? Shouldn’t someone else ask if I am alright?

I will vanish from this entire world for sometime. I will consider suicide and then sometime may change to all the time.